牛津随笔（五）

图一：圣玛丽大学教堂　University Church

图二：基督教会学院 Christ Church College

图三：雪莱的大学学院　University College

图四：圣玛丽大学教堂 University Church

图五：基督教会学院教堂 Christ Church College Church

牛津的哥特式建筑成就了牛津的独特文化风景；而牛津的哥特情结又因一位艺术史论家的出现而达到顶峰。

在牛津，谈哥特，言必称此人。在艺术史论界，提哥特，还是言必称此人。

他的名字叫约翰-罗斯金(John Ruskin)。

罗斯金 - 牛津基督教会学院毕业。
罗斯金 - 牛津及英国第一位专职艺术史论教授。
罗斯金 - “一石激起千层浪” ，用一部“石头”论著掀起半个地球的哥特热。
罗斯金 - 单枪匹马扭转乾坤，让全世界重新审视哥特建筑、重新评价中世纪艺术。

今天，人们已经把“哥特式”一词当作中性词来使用了，特指欧洲十二至十四世纪的建筑形式及相关装饰艺术。但是很多人都不知道，“哥特”的名称原先是个贬义词，产生于一个历史的误会。

所谓的“哥特”建筑，本来是中世纪建筑师为了增加教堂内部空间高度和大面积使用玻璃窗而发明建造的尖拱结构建筑。这种结构及其相关的外墙支柱和远距离支架(飞拱)等技术，不仅解决了支撑屋顶重量、保证玻璃墙壁的问题，而且增加了教堂内部的神秘气氛和崇高感，有效地表达了基督教思想。这不仅在建筑技术史上是一个进步，在建筑的美学功能方面也是一个重要发展。

然而，在欧洲文艺复兴的浪潮中，意大利人文主义学者却因热爱和推崇古希腊古罗马艺术而贬低中世纪艺术，使用了“哥特的”(Gothic)一词来表示蔑视。追根寻源，“罪魁祸首”居然是瓦萨里，西方美术史第一人。他误认为中世纪的建筑是由野蛮民族“哥特人”(Goths) 建造的，是一种缺乏理性及高贵品质的野蛮粗糙的大杂烩，不足为取。在他们看来，这些建筑不讲究比例规则和对称原则，过于堆积装饰雕刻，人物雕刻和绘画也粗糙、不准确、不优美。事实上，中世纪的建筑师们并不是原始的哥特人，也从没有给自己的艺术形式起过名称。他们表达的艺术自有其存在价值。不幸的是，对哥特艺术的误解和偏见却延续了以后好几个世纪。

在英国，哥特式建筑自然也经受了一段时期的冷落。雷恩（Wren）的伦敦圣保罗大教堂以及他一个人就设计建造了几十座文艺复兴式建筑的事实，很能说明问题。但有意思的是，英国人很快发现，哥特式艺术似乎更符合他们的文化习性和情感，他们也更钟情于哥特艺术。十八世纪开始，英国陆续出现哥特复兴运动。

但是，真正在全欧洲范围内为“哥特”正名、发现哥特艺术价值、扭转人们偏见、拯救哥特建筑遗迹的关键人物，到十九世纪中叶才出现。这人就是罗斯金。

罗斯金读书时，并不是一个好学生。常常不是写激进古怪的东西，就是干脆不来上课。在一次获得诗歌大奖之后，学校开始对他刮目相看，甚至后来在他因病长期缺课的情况下仍然授予他荣誉学位。他的才气和才能展现在很多方面。吟诗作画写小说搞艺术评论以至社会评论，随便做什么，都是手到擒来。三十岁之前，他已经发表了专著《建筑的七盏明灯》，出版了两卷(多卷本之一、二)颇有个人见地和影响的著作《现代画家》，并因此大名远扬。作教授时，牛津学生没有不知道这位“奇才”艺术史论教授的。他的演讲课场场爆满，而且几乎每课都得给慕名而来的公众重复再讲。

三十三岁那年，罗斯金完成了具有丰碑性质的著作：《威尼斯之石》(The Stones of Venice)。在这部著作里，罗金斯以自己对威尼斯城建筑的实地考察，分析研究了威尼斯圣马克大教堂及其广场周围的建筑群，对诸多建筑物做了历史分期、特征描述和概括，并做了伦理和美学等方面的评价，详实而雄辩地论证和肯定了哥特时期艺术高超和伟大的地方。这部著作影响巨大，它改变了整个欧洲、整个西方艺术史对哥特艺术及中世纪艺术的态度和认识，掀起了全英国及涵盖半个地球的英联邦、英属殖民地的哥特建筑热潮，也成为(直至今日)分析评价中世纪艺术必不可少的理论标准。

他发现并关注的、也是极为推崇的，不是纯形式和技术的东西，而是建筑的道德意义。哥特式建筑，他认为，虽然有些蛮横粗糙、变化无常、怪诞荒谬、呆板、不规则，炫耀似地堆积装饰，等等，但正是这种带有原始意味的自创性和随意性以及自由想象，给建筑铸入了强大的表现力和生命力。他还认为，哥特时期的工匠是带着发自内心的喜爱和自由意志、自觉自愿地去修筑教堂的，工作是出于热爱，是一种情感和精神的抒发和寄托；所以，这种工作是道德的，同时也是有创造力的；创造出的艺术也是高尚的。

虽然带有明显的理想主义色彩，罗斯金却是第一个强调人的道德情感因素在建筑中的价值，第一个把野蛮原始、自由想象、不受形式规则束缚等建筑特点，同崇高、表现力这类美学品质联系在一起，也是第一个强调建筑的“精神表达”和“物质形式”二者缺一不可的艺术理论家。

对他来说，这些正是“哥特的本质”，是哥特艺术伟大之处。

对哥特艺术的肯定和赞扬在当时无疑是近于反叛性质的行为。自文艺复兴以来，特别是在温克尔曼这样的艺术思想家充分肯定赞扬古典艺术和文艺复兴艺术之后，在人们已经普遍接受了古典艺术的“高贵的单纯”和“静穆的伟大”的审美观之后，罗斯金敢冒天下之大不韪，反其道而行之，在为哥特艺术平反的同时公开批评希腊罗马以来的古典式建筑；这不只需要魄力和自信，还需要对两种艺术风格全面透彻的认识和理解，更需要独立的思想。

他对古典式建筑的批评，特别是对文艺复兴时期的建筑的批评，尖锐深刻。他指出，古典式建筑的最大弱点是重知识轻表现，重科学轻情感，重实际经验轻心理感受；它用工程师的循规蹈矩和机械冷漠取代艺术家的自由想象和轻松愉快；因而，它削弱生命感、道德感、荣誉感、精神力量。相比之下，哥特建筑更富有精神的和情感的力量，更能震撼人的心灵。

不能有比他的这个观察和分析更精辟更经典的了。

罗斯金的艺术批评来自他非凡的艺术家的敏感和激情。他平生发表的第一篇论文，仅是题目，就已经令人耳目一新：“建筑的诗”。把坚硬冰冷的石头建筑当作柔美抒情的诗来读，而且还读出个理论道道来，恐怕只有他这样的天才，即有艺术家的直觉又有理论家的头脑，才能做得到。

研究建筑的文章最容易流于枯燥无味。建筑本身就很抽象单一，没有叙述性故事，也没有五彩缤纷的色彩。然而，在大厚本的《威尼斯之石》中，罗斯金用散文般的优美文字，大师级的水彩插图和铅笔速写，传教士式的热情，感染和征服了读者。书中，从平面到立体，从总体到细节，从整座建筑到其柱头、门楣、窗边装饰；几十座巨型教堂宫殿建筑，成百上千件建筑装饰部件，无数的人物雕像画像；全经他亲自丈量、计算、描绘、描述、分析、概括、追踪历史、解说、评价。如此浩大而繁琐的工程，他自始至终地保持高昂的激情，把一节节石柱写出诗意来，把一个个窗户阳台画出感情来，把琐琐碎碎不起眼的石雕小装饰一次又一次地写出高潮来。他写这部书犹如他在书中称赞的哥特工匠，发自内心地，满腔热情地，把全部的头脑和心灵、思想和感情，都倾注了进去。

他在给父亲的一封信中写到：“我有一种无法分析的强烈的本能，迫使我去描绘或叙述我所热爱的东西 -- 不是为了出名，不是为了讨好别人，也不是为了自己的利益，就象需要吃喝的本能一样。我要把整个的圣马可大教堂、整个的维隆纳，一块石头一块石头地画下来，一笔一笔地全都吃到我的心里去。”（注：参考迟柯的翻译）

近乎疯痴。

也难怪，他是把艺术当作宗教顶礼膜拜的。

翻开《威尼斯之石》看看，的的确确，其中的图解远远地超过了任何一个工程师所能画出的建筑绘图。对罗斯金来说，他面对的不是工程技术，不是冷漠无情的石头，而是艺术，是有血有肉的人创造的艺术，是有生命的艺术。对比他的速写和照片，同一座建筑，同一个角度，我终究想不明白他使用了什么魔法，为什么他的画看起来就是比照片更活、更有生气、更令人向往。

罗斯金还亲自为牛津新建的自然博物馆做了总体设计，并亲自挑选石匠和建筑工人，试图以中世纪的宗教热情、自由无羁的手工操作重现哥特艺术的光彩。

罗斯金毫无疑问是十九世纪艺术史、艺术批评史上最有影响力的人物。在牛津，莫里斯、伯恩-琼斯、雪莱等人，都是罗斯金忠实的崇拜者和追随者。莫里斯在进入牛津之前就已经熟读过罗斯金的《威尼斯之石》，对这位天才教授论述的哥特建筑理论崇拜得五体投地。他后来在自己一手创办的《牛津剑桥杂志》中，特邀罗斯金为杂志撰写评论；还专门把《威尼斯之石》中的精华《哥特的本质》一章抽出来，为其设计书面，出版了单行本。

这里，艺术的吸引力似乎超过了宗教的感召力。罗斯金在后半生放弃了宗教信仰。莫里斯和伯恩-琼斯从神学转向艺术并终身不渝。雪莱公开质疑宗教。王尔德干脆提出“为艺术而艺术”的唯美主义和艺术至上主义，彻底把宗教、政治抛在一边。

他们是把艺术当作了宗教。艺术成为他们人生追求的终极目的。

2008-2009

牛津随笔（四）

图一：俯瞰牛津 (View of Oxford)
图二：基督教会学院的钟楼和四方院 (Christ Church College: Bell Tower "Big Tom" and Quardrangle


牛津是一座哥特式大学城。说它是哥特式，不仅因为它始建于哥特时期的十三世纪，而且因为它在其后的八、九个世纪中始终以哥特式的尖拱、尖顶、尖塔为主要式样建筑它的各所学院。尽管也经历了文艺复兴、巴洛克、新古典主义等时期，牛津人却始终锺情中古情调浓厚的哥特式建筑。

站在高处放眼望去，牛津城高塔林立、院池济济。有几处尤为醒目：基督教会学院的圆顶钟楼和尖塔教堂，圣玛德琳学院的四方塔楼的尖椎塔，瑞德克里夫阅览室的穹窿顶，圣玛丽大学教堂的锥形大尖塔，万灵学院和新学院大小尖塔及锯齿状锥形装饰物 ......

每幢楼展示着每幢楼的独特风格；每座塔炫耀着每座塔的美学品味；每池院落变换着每池院落的时尚布局；每座塔、楼、院落又都讲述着各自的新老故事。

在诸多学院中，基督教会学院 (Christ Church College) 是故事最多的一处，非去不可。讲历史，它是牛津最大最权威的学院，由英王亨利八世亲自命名和资助建立，同时也是牛津官方教会所在地；它也是牛津出产英国首相最多的一所学院 - 十三位。论建筑，它既有典型的哥特式尖塔，又有哥特晚期的贝壳型拱顶结构，还有改良式哥特圆筒圆顶大钟楼，更有后来伯恩-琼斯加画的大型彩色玻璃窗。谈文学，这里是《爱丽丝梦境历险记》的发源地；作者路易斯-卡罗(Lewis Carroll)在这里获得灵感，故事也在这里写成；大草场，小河边，餐厅，门把、捅火棍，都是爱丽丝历险的景物来源。电影《哈利伯特》的很多镜头也都是在这里拍摄的；球赛的草坪，校园的四合院，尤其那个超级神奇的大餐厅，一眼望不到头；... 。嫌不够的话，再加上学院的艺术画廊；虽然在地下室，这里却收藏有达芬奇、米凯朗基罗、拉菲尔、鲁本斯、凡爱克、哈尔斯等大师的素描手稿，菲力普-利裴、维荣尼兹、卡拉奇的绘画名作；等等，等等，数不胜数。毋庸置疑，仅第一第二个故事就可以讲它个几天几夜。

不过我是先冲着爱丽丝和哈利波特去的。

临行前和女儿商量好，凡是爱丽丝和哈利去过的地方，我都要走一遍，带回照片来，作为不能带她同去的条件。其实我比女儿更是两位小主人公的FAN。想当初在大学学英语时第一次读到缩写的爱丽丝游记，就已经被故事简单自然、顺理成章地从现实过渡到梦幻的开头吸引住了，还直感慨自己小时候没有机会读到这样美妙的童话。后来有了女儿，还不懂事，就开始给她讲爱丽丝的故事。待到哈利波特的书出来，有朋友抢先送来了前两部。念给女儿听，她紧张害怕，蒙头睡去，我却一口气看了个通宵。后来自然是出一部读一部，全是一气读完。这次有机会，当然不能不亲身体验一下。一圈走下来，感受颇多：小说故事情节的编造无疑出自作家们的想象力和才气，但场景氛围的营造和渲染却是来自作者耳濡目染的感性认识。这些故事只能出现在牛津，只能出现在英国。没有这些场景，没有感性，也就没有了故事。

这样一个好去处，却是英王亨利八世夺别人所好，攫为己有的结果。这位以娶过六个王后、并下令砍过其中两个王后的头而臭名昭著的国王，为了达到和第一任王后离婚的目地而和罗马教皇分庭抗礼，建立了独立的英国教会。也是为了达到离婚的目的，这位国王免去了他身边最为得宠的、一人之下万人之上的大法官、上议院议长、坎特伯利教会大主教乌尔塞(Thomas Wolsey)的职务，同时没收他资助建立的“大主教学院”；全部原因就是这位大法官对国王这桩离婚案犹豫不决。可怜的大法官大主教，不久又被亨利下令逮捕，死于赴刑的路途中。亨利八世把学院改名为“亨利八世学院”，后来又改为“基督教会学院”。在这里，亨利的是非功过自然也处处可见。

在牛津，美和丑、善和恶、真理和谬误，常常同时反映在同一座建筑物上、发生在同一个院落里，让人惊讶两者是如何相辅相成的。

圣玛丽大学教堂是牛津最古老的大学教堂，甚至在大学建立之前就已经先有了它，也是牛津最大的教堂。它有一座巨大的装饰精美的哥特式锥形尖塔；另一头又有一个带螺旋柱子的巴洛克式圆拱大门；两部分都很有特点，也都很引人注目。这座教堂历经近千年的风风雨雨，不断扩建重修，样式也不断变化更新，自然也见证了无数次的改朝换代。

在这座教堂里，发生了一件英国历史上著名的事件，人称“牛津三烈士”事件：三位带头实行英国宗教改革的主教、大主教，被反宗教改革的女王玛丽一世，绰号“血腥玛丽”的女王，在这里残酷地判处火刑。其中的一位，英国最大教会坎特伯利大教堂的克莱姆大主教(Thomas Cranmer)，曾经竭尽全力协助先王亨利八世脱离罗马教会，建立独立的英国国家教会，修改制定新的教会法和教义教规；当然，也正是他帮助亨利成功地休弃了第一任王后 - 玛丽的母亲。宗教原因也罢，政治原因也罢，个人私仇也罢，玛丽登基当了女王后，对克莱姆大主教毫不心慈手软。尽管写了几次悔过书，拖延了一、两年时间，克莱姆仍然被判死刑。赴刑场之前，他在圣玛丽大学教堂里作最后一次悔过演讲，临近结束，他话锋突转，大声说，他写过的所有悔过书都将不算数，受火刑时，他将先伸出右手，让它首先遭受惩罚，因为它曾经因软弱而签写了悔过书。目睹者声称：在熊熊烈火包围他时，他果真把右手首先伸向烈火，高喊：“主耶稣，接受我的灵魂吧！...... 我看见天堂的门开了，耶稣正站在上帝的右手边。”

后来，牛津人在三位烈士就义的地方竖起了一座哥特式尖塔纪念碑。高耸入云的尖塔象火焰冲天，又象牺牲者的手指，直指天堂。

英国十六、十七世纪时的宗教改革即血腥又具讽刺性。克莱姆死了仅两年，玛丽女王驾崩，伊丽莎白女王即位，天又翻了回来。英国教会最终独立，克莱姆生前制定的教会法成为经典。牛津的圣玛丽大学教堂又参与和经历了新的历史变迁。

大学教堂的那座南门比较独特，圆拱形大门两边有两根象拧麻花似旋转的柱子，圆拱门上面又有断裂的圆拱装饰、旋涡形装饰、贝壳状神龛、人物雕像，典型的巴洛克风格。我在街上经过它时，无论如何都没有把它跟教堂东头的大尖塔联系在一起。它在牛津非常特殊，不仅与教堂的哥特式主体尤其是大尖塔在风格上格格不入，而且和整个牛津、甚至全英国的建筑风格背道而驰。

由于英国新教改革和罗马教会反宗教改革的对立，英国建筑一直没有表现出对意大利巴洛克风格的热情。对英国清教徒来说，巴洛克建筑简直就是代表了罗马天主教反对新教改革的狂热。为了圣玛丽大学教堂这副巴洛克式门面，有人还付出了代价。曾任牛津几个学院的院长、大学总监，后任英国教会大主教的罗德(Laud)，因为比较保守，不赞成新教的激进，被国会判处死刑送上断头台；他的罪状中有一条就是他的助手资助修建了这个巴洛克新门面，而他本人也曾向它屈躬祈祷。

宗教派别和政治斗争的残酷无情，荒唐不可理喻，自然导致了理性的觉醒。

大学学院(University College) 是牛津第一所学院，建于1249年。它的校园建筑几经重建扩建，没有保留最初的建筑物，也没有其它突出的特点。我是偶然两次从它门口经过才注意到它。从建院开始到其后几个世纪，大学学院基本是一所神学院，以研究神学和培养神职人员为主。就是这样一所以神学为牛津这个世界一流大学奠定基础的学院，十九世纪时竟在学生中出现了公开反对宗教神学的小册子，不仅在学生中流传，而且还一个不落地被送至各校长、院长及系主任办公室。小册子旗帜鲜明地打出标题：《论无神论的必要性》。写这篇论文的作者毫不隐瞒自己的姓名，他就是后来人们熟知的浪漫主义诗人雪莱。他的满怀激情和理想的长诗《西风颂》，特别是其中那句充满希望、鼓舞人心的诗句“假如冬天来了，春天还会远吗？”永远地留在了世界文学史和人们的记忆中。当时因书写印发这篇文章而被学院开除的雪莱，后来却成了最最有名的校友。学院为他建了纪念碑。

有雪莱宗教自由的呼吁，王尔德的人性解放也就不足为奇了。奥斯卡-王尔德读书的学院是那个有着四方高塔的圣玛德琳 (St.Magdalen) 学院。这座看上去壁垒森严的碉堡式的塔楼，很难让人把它同一位追求人性自由和唯美主义的剧作家联系到一起。兴许是物极必反的原理吧，王尔德不顾重重藩篱层层羁绊，我行我素；不只是对宗教道德观念置之不理，就是被法庭制罪啷当入狱也在所不顾。他在争取同性恋的自由及合法性的思想行为方面，可以说超前了整整一个世纪，尽管付出了几乎是生命的代价。我们现在记住他的当然更多地是他提出的那个著名的 “为艺术而艺术” 的文艺理论 -- 一个自由意志的产物。

在这同一所古堡式学院里，C.S. 路易斯写下了七卷本的《纳尼亚传奇》。那个神秘的大衣柜给小主人公们开启了一个通往神奇世界的大门。在牛津生活大半辈子的作者本人，也像是从想象到现实都生活在浪漫传奇的中世纪里，顽固地争论英国只有中世纪和中世纪晚期，而未有过文艺复兴阶段。

牛津散记 - 钱锺书

离开牛津时，会议组织者半认真半开玩笑地提醒我们：从现在起，各位可以称自己为牛津校友（Fellow）了。大家自然得意一番。我一想，不说别的，就我们居住一星期的艾克赛特（Exeter）学院的两位艺术家，莫里斯和伯恩-琼斯，与他们为校友，已经是很荣幸了。后来想起应该查查学院还有什么人物，一查竟查出我们的同胞、大名鼎鼎的钱钟书。

为了攀上个“校友”的名分，我多少也应该知道点他什么。可是仔细一回忆，除了看过电视连续剧《围城》和熟悉一两个书名如《管锥篇》、《谈艺录》什么的，我其实对他一无所知。真是非常惭愧。碰巧上星期女儿的中文学校有个图书展销，发现一套钱钟书集，立刻站着不走了。本想一古脑儿全买下来，可是多年来受老公“买书”就是“买输”、“书多”就是“输多”的理论影响，最后只挑了一本《談藝録》。

大师毕竟是大师。打开厚厚一本《談藝録》，我就傻眼了。全书尽是繁体字、文言文，之、乎、者、也，布满字里行间。怪不得陈独秀鲁迅等前辈大力提倡白话文呢，这文言文让普通人读起来确实佶屈聱牙的。钱老怎么没有加入他同辈人的新文化运动呢？

我当然不能抱怨写书人的文体取向，只能怪我们这一代人从未有机会学习老祖宗的传统文化。从头开始学吧。

打开书后，随便翻了一页，发现八、九个不认识的字，一大半的句子读不通顺。几次放下书，准备知难而退了。可是想想又不能枉做名人的校友，便硬着头皮一点一点地啃下去。

大师毕竟还就是大师。所做学问，真真就是和一般人不同。翻至一页似可慢慢读下去的文字，是研究“補訂”随园（袁牧·清）的《诗话》的一段：“诗不可不改，不可多改。不改，则心浮；多改，则机窒。桐城吴某告予云：[方] 扶南三改《周瑜墓》诗，而愈改愈谬。···” 钱钟书从至少五处书籍中论证随园老人道听途说的方扶南改诗之事“洵诬”，纯粹是诬误；同时肯定和赞赏随园的“改诗之理无可厚非”。他贯穿古今中外，旁征博引，从七、八处中国古籍找出谈论“求工反拙”的例子，又从西方文艺理论中引出五、六则类似的论述；最后结论道：“诗文斟酌推敲，恰到好处，不知止而企更好，反致好事坏而前功抛。锦上添花，适成画蛇添足矣。”

对照同时在看的另一本书《發现漢字- 图说六书》，颇有感触。这位笔名唐汉的作者虽然也下了不少功夫来阐述和论证中国的六种造字方法，然而他大篇大篇的例子和解说却缺少根据，甚至完全没有根据；要不就是出自他自己的想象，在那里望文生义。比如他解释象形造字法（日月水火之类自然一目了然，不需他的解释），把天干的甲乙丙丁等十字解释为殷商十大部族的名称、而每个字来源于各部族擅长使用的技能和工具；把地支十二字解释为“源自上古时代生儿育女的真实图景”。作者说了：这些文字“在先民眼中，原本简单明了，刻骨铭心，人人可知，见而可识”。可惜我费了比抠钱钟书字眼还多的力气，也没看出这些文字如何象形地表示了生育图景。作者没有提供任何证据，没有做任何构字分析，可见他本人属于“先民”之列了。

我说的是研究方法。那位唐汉先生的大作，虽然洋洋洒洒，却毫无学术、甚至欣赏价值。而钱老先生对一段话的考证，仅两页纸，看似心得体会，却有根有据，既澄清了文学史上的一个谬误，又令人咀嚼不厌，回味无穷。

钱钟书其实在牛津只待了一年，作为当年清华大学和牛津大学的学生交流项目。毕业后又去了法国，在那里继续深造。我很想知道他对牛津的感受，比如校园环境、学生宿舍、建筑艺术、教育思想、教学制度，等等，等等，却无从找寻。他写过任何有关他在牛津的亲身经历吗？

牛津随笔（三）Oxford

图一、二：伯恩-琼斯设计的彩色玻璃窗——基督教会学院教堂 Burne-Jones Stained Glass, Christ Church College

图三：某学院教堂和墓地 ? College Chaple and graveyard

图四：牛津街景 Oxford street

****************

该去一个叫作莫里斯的会客室报到了。“莫里斯”？哪个莫里斯？我心里嘀咕着。进屋签了到，客套完，留意到墙壁上挂着几幅画。有油画，铅笔速写，还有两幅不太大的织毯画。又是它！似曾相识的画风！主人已经善解人意地在解释屋名的来由了。竟是威廉-莫里斯 William Morris！一个在十九世纪后半叶掀起一场影响欧美两大陆装饰工艺美术运动的、参与拉菲尔前派活动的大名鼎鼎的工艺美术设计家和诗人！莫非这挂毯就是他的作品？走近再一细看，另一个鼎鼎大名也赫然跃至眼前：爱德华-伯恩-琼斯 Edward Burne-Jones！拉菲尔前派的后期代表画家！

是他们，正是他们！终于对上号了。

这就是牛津。一不留神就坠入历史的长河，刚一迈脚又踏进艺术的海洋，随便张嘴问问便会引出大段大段的故事。平平常常一所学院，初来乍到，还没摸着东南西北，就已被闪闪发光的作品和铮铮作响的文学家艺术家大名撞击得头晕眼花了。

原来，艾克赛特学院正巧是这两位艺术家的母校。十九世纪中叶，他们同时在这里求学。伯恩-琼斯主修神学，莫里斯专攻教堂建筑。他们俩一见如故，结为好友；不仅经常一起讨论神学、研究教堂建筑艺术、写诗作画等等，而且喜欢一块儿出去旅行和考察各地建筑。英国独特的自然风景和中古生活情调培养了他们敏感而特殊的欣赏趣味；而一次从北欧大陆游历回来后，他们完全彻底迷上了哥特式建筑、绘画、诗歌，并且义无反顾地决定献身艺术了。传为佳话的是，两位好友终生精诚合作，创作了很多高质量的艺术品。这墙上的挂毯画和教堂里的大壁毯就是他俩合作的结果：伯恩琼斯负责原稿绘制，莫里斯负责总体设计和织毯的监制。

莫里斯是个集文学、艺术、社会理想和实践于一身的天才艺术家。在艺术领域，绘画、建筑设计、装饰、诗歌、散文、小说，他样样手到擒来，件件是精品；在社会活动方面，他领导新艺术思潮、办艺术企业、参与社会主义运动等等，又几乎样样都产生效应和影响。他领导的十九世纪那场影响欧美两大陆的装饰工艺美术运动，奉行把贵族式的高雅艺术普及到大众百姓中去的宗旨，坚持高质量高品位的原则，不仅为全社会提供了享受高雅艺术的机会，而且在艺术概念上改变和提高了装饰工艺美术的地位、打破了工匠艺术和贵族艺术之间的界限。

莫里斯办艺术装璜公司、陶艺厂、出版社，亲自设计和生产了无数包括彩色玻璃窗、挂毯、地毯、家具、餐具、瓷砖、墙纸、印花布、书籍装帧及插图等等在内的装饰艺术品，实实在在地把精雅上乘的艺术和审美趣味带进了大众生活。他自制的宝石红、黄、蓝、绿的色彩颜料用于彩色玻璃制品，效果极为独特美观。美国的蒂佛尼（Tiffany）公司在当时是受到很大影响的美国公司之一。该公司的玻璃制品，尤其是玻璃灯罩一类小物品，在艺术古董拍卖市场上经久不衰。

我喜欢莫里斯灵性十足的设计图案。他的设计母题大多取自自然界中的花草植物和小动物。这些物品在他的手中被编排组合得丰富有趣、变化多端，甚至婀娜多姿，充满情感和情调。哪怕是经济实用的糊墙纸，他都把它设计得奢华富丽、超凡脱俗，洋溢着庆典式的慷慨和大气。他对小细节的处理仔细考究、趣味盎然，色彩搭配独到。有一幅叫作“偷草莓的小偷”的印花图案，天真无邪的小鸟出现在草莓丛中，嘴里叼着草莓，四处张望，生动有趣，令人感动。不夸张地说，不看他的作品就不知道无限重复的平面设计还能够如此美妙，美妙到让人动情。

莫里斯还是个热情实干的理想社会主义者。这不只是反映在他把高高在上的艺术服务于社会大众，而且还写在了他的乌托邦式小说《乌有乡的消息》(News from Nowhere) 以及长诗集《人间乐园》 (The Earthly Paradise) 等文学作品中。他还直接参与了英国最早的社会主义运动。他在恩格斯的引见下同马克思的女儿爱琳娜共同组织了社会主义者同盟，并担任过该组织的机关报主编。他的几部文学作品一出版即获得成功。不仅是其中的理想主义思想内容，其文学价值也在英国文学史上牢牢地占据了一席位置。

与莫里斯相比，伯恩-琼斯的主要造诣在人物绘画方面，尤其是大型的玻璃窗、织毯和油画中的人物。他绘制的人物大多身材优美细长，头颈微偏，朦胧的眼神带着一丝忧愁，充满神秘和象征意味。女性人物更有着娇美纤柔、温润如玉的体貌，让人爱怜、爱恋甚至迷惑；有如他画过多次的那个有名的希腊神话：一位曾发誓不爱女人的雕塑家雕刻出美丽动人的淑女像，以至自己深深地陷入了对她的爱情而不能自已，最后祈求爱神艾佛偌黛悌(维纳斯)赐予雕像以生命，用以奉献自己的爱。在我的印象里，众多表现这一主题的艺术作品，唯独伯恩-琼斯画的这个大理石 “冷美人” 最具浪漫色彩和女性的诱惑。

这样两位艺术家合作，不说别的，仅是那些彩色玻璃窗中优雅纯洁的天使圣徒和圣母圣婴，和繁盛贵丽的伊甸园般的背景，已经创造了非天国莫属的景色。

我在无意中闯进了他俩的母校，看见了他俩合作的、送给母校的杰作 - 实谓有幸。

从莫里斯会客室再次回到教堂。圣坛旁边多了一架钢琴；一位身穿黑色礼服、脸庞消瘦俊俏的男青年正在聚精会神地练琴。晚上这里有音乐会。我在那幅《三王朝圣》挂毯对面的长椅上坐下来静听。听不出他弹的是什么曲子，应该是一首赞美曲。那忽而清脆欢快、忽而庄严凝重、忽而悠扬抒情的音符，舞蹈般地在光华彩耀的空气中穿腾跳跃。我已不再激动得头脑发晕，只有心中一片宁静。我在想象，今天晚上，当那一组几乎占据半面墙壁的管风琴奏响巴赫的管风琴曲，当合唱团和声高歌亨德尔的《弥赛亚》颂歌，当他那被誉为天国的国歌“哈利路亚”欢唱声在圣像、彩窗、穹隆天顶间回荡，当全体观众不由自主起立景仰时，那将是一幅何等神圣、何等崇高、何等完美的景象！

音乐会的票已在两星期前购完。我没有觉得特别遗憾。进牛津仅半日就已经历了几次震撼；这座教堂两次完完全全地由我一人霸占独享。满足了，太满足了。如果再加上管风琴的伴奏和合唱团的天籁之音，我的天，那连上帝都要嫉妒死我了。

牛津随笔（二）Oxford

图一：牛津郊外 Outskirt Oxford

图二：新学院 New College (?)

图三、四：艾克赛特学院花园 Exeter College Garden

牛津大学的建制比较独特，由近四十所相对独立的学院组成。这些学院不是按专业设立，诸如人文学院、工程学院、商学院，等等，而是由私人或私人团体资助建立并命名的，主要负责招生并为学生提供吃住及自习的宿舍、食堂、图书馆等。各学院的学生在大学统一设置的各专业系中选择专业和导师，主要在导师的指导下自学，同时也参加大学提供的很多不定期的专题讲座。

从很早开始，牛津的学院就以四合院的形式为基本模式；一个学院往往有两、三进四合院不规则地连接在一起，并有一至两个花园。建筑物以学生宿舍为主，但每所学院都必有一个教堂和学生餐厅。教堂是每个学院的精神所在，而餐厅则是学院聚会和学生用餐的地方。

我开会暂居的学院叫艾克赛特（Exeter College)学院，是牛津按年龄排行第四的学院；由两个四合院组成，还有大小两处花园。

从小教堂出来，照着学院的简图，穿过宿舍楼一个窄小的楼道找到了大花园。一出楼门，顿觉豁然开朗。绿茵茵的草地，恬淡温柔的各色小花。右边一溜茂盛的树木倚靠在斑驳脱落的砖石院墙旁边。左手边是学院图书馆 - 一幢精致的哥特式小楼，门边窗口簇拥着花丛和藤蔓，尖拱形的窗户被层层花草巧妙地隐蔽起来，露出依稀的诗意和浪漫。我一下想到了罗密欧与朱丽叶幽会的窗口和花园。和图书馆相连的一幢建筑有着高大的玻璃窗，几乎占满全部墙面，窗户上的木格条细长而有韵律。我隔着玻璃窥视了一下：里面好像是个很大很大的大厅，朦胧而神秘。想进去看看，无奈却找不见入口处。花园的尽头是个小山坡，长有几棵枝叶浓密的大树。有石阶可以上去。我漫步登上高坡，却猛然发现自己竟站在了牛津的心脏部位。我情不自禁地惊呼起来。

一座巨大的穹窿顶圆形建筑近在咫尺：顶天立地，气派非凡。赭石色的建筑在阳光的照耀下发射出金色耀眼的光芒。这圆形建筑有着明显的意大利文艺复兴风格：米开朗基罗为罗马圣彼得大教堂设计的穹隆顶式的穹隆顶，布拉曼特 (Bramante) 的圆型主体，一圈花篮柱头的圆柱，圆拱门上加山墙式装饰；稳重而有理性，庄严而又崇高。它的斜背后，一座教堂的大尖塔高耸入云。另一边，一排古堡式的石墙，圆拱大门，墙头上一排尖塔式的装饰；背后又有参差起伏的大大小小尖尖圆圆的塔顶。再一边，一所学院教堂的暗黑色玻璃窗破开单一色的石墙，排列出一组抽象图案。建筑与建筑之间，有卵石铺就的小路，草坪和花圃。一幅梦幻般的图景。

是赭黄灼热的色彩？是圆、方、三角形有节奏有变化的式样？是清一色厚重的石墙石壁？是巨型？是气魄？是古老的年龄？是如此之多的建筑风格密集在一起？是几个历史时代的巧妙组合？不知道是哪一个、也许是全部加起来的效果，冲击了我。我被钉在那里，再也不能离开。

在充满长方体和尖锥形哥特式建筑的牛津城，那座圆顶建筑当仁不让地占据了中心的权威位置。我当天便迫不急待地冲到那里探查，原来这座建筑是牛津最大的图书馆伯德利安图书馆(Bodleian Library)的瑞德克里夫阅览室( Radcliffe Camera)，主要供本科生在那里学习阅读，一般不对游客开放。

只是一个阅览室？不可思议。这样一个宏伟神圣的殿堂，独占学府中心，居高临下，俯瞰全城，却即不是神殿、教堂，也不是王宫、市政厅，更不是校长室、贵宾楼之类的，只是一个让青年学生自由阅读、饱览知识的地方。什么叫知识神圣？这就叫知识神圣！这就是牛津大学的宗旨和信念。知识高于一切。想想看，坐在这样一个知识殿堂里看书学习，将是怎样的一种奢侈，又是如何的高尚和荣耀。

我坐在花园的木椅上，被艺术和知识笼罩着... 真希望永久地这样坐下去。这哪里是神学院学生和修道士禁欲修行的地方，简直就是一个培养精神贵族的乐园！

门房走来。我进住学院登记时就是他接待的，便自然聊起来。他建议我到花园的小高坡上俯视牛津：这是城中心秘密的制高点，一般人不知道这儿，也不容易进来；又告诉我紧连着图书馆的那座有整面大玻璃窗的大厅是神学院，属于伯德利安图书馆，只能从学院外边绕进去，大厅用来拍过 Harry Potter (哈利波特) 电影里的镜头。“噢”，他突然想起来，“你知道 Tolkien (托尔金) 吗？J. R. R. Tolkien？” 我盯着他，慢慢回忆着、遗憾地摇摇头。“就是那个写 The Lord of the Rings 的作家！” 《魔戒之王》，这我知道。我想起女儿曾嚷嚷着要去看这部电影，我自己也曾买了这部书送给邻居家的男孩作生日礼物。不过从来没记过作者姓名。“他是我们这个学院的毕业生！那部电影里有我们学院大餐厅里的镜头。” 一直彬彬有礼温文尔雅的门房突然激动起来，“还有 Philip Pullman （普尔曼），也是我们学院的，他写的《他的黑色物质》的第一集《北极光》拍成电影叫《黄金罗盘》，就是在这里拍的。拍这个电影时直升飞机就在我们学院上空盘旋，照了好多这个花园的镜头！”

这后一个作家的书及电影我就不知道了。后来回到家里跟女儿提起，她大叫：你怎么连Golden Compass都不知道！一副我给她丢人现眼了的神情。我立刻去买了这部电影的DVD回来，她也给我抱了一摞三大本书来。果然，影片里不断出现学院的教堂、花园、院墙外小巷的镜头，而更多的是从花园高坡上看过去的镜头，正是我连续几天多次观赏牛津的位置。

这里一切都是现成的场景道具。变化多端的建筑，精致浪漫的花园，曲径通幽的石板路、高深莫测的小巷，五彩斑斓的玻璃窗，狰狞可怕的墙头怪物雕塑，森严壁垒的古堡，寂寞伤感的墓地；宏伟的、庄严的、诡秘的、怪诞的、滑稽的、朦胧的、恐怖的、凄凉的、冷漠的、温情的 ... 应有尽有。实际上，不是导演们发现了理想的外景，而是这些实物实景本来就是很多故事的发源地。

身临其境，就感觉出神幻气氛。《爱丽丝梦境历险记》的奇异艳丽花园，《魔戒之王》光怪陆离的“地心世界”，《狮子，女巫，魔衣柜》(《纳尼亚传奇》之第一部)神秘陈旧的教授楼和衣柜，《黄金罗盘》里阴暗窒息的约旦学院和恐怖的小巷，等等，等等，都可以在这里一一对应。几部脍炙人口的经典童话传奇小说均出自牛津人之手，实非偶然。牛津浓厚的中世神秘气氛和浪漫情调给了文学艺术家无穷无尽的灵感和源泉。

乃至莎士比亚。不知为什么，牛津各处的建筑花园和情调都会让我联想起他的戏剧故事场景。《罗密欧与朱丽叶》、《仲夏夜之梦》，甚至《哈姆雷特》 ......。莎士比亚一定到过牛津。他的老家离牛津只有一个多小时的汽车路程。而且，确有人提出过莎士比亚剧本的原作者可能是同时代的牛津伯爵。原因之一是剧作者对乡村贵族生活的情和景几乎了如指掌，并且剧中描述的情和景又几乎是牛津情景的再现。

牛津随笔（一）Oxford

图一：艾克赛特学院四合院　Exeter College

图二：小教堂 Exeter College Chapel

图三：莫里斯设计织毯 Tapestry by William Morris 　

一踏进牛津城便无可救药地爱上了它。大片大块的赭石色建筑物扑面而来；成簇成林的圆顶尖塔目不暇接；哥特式教堂、学院、修道院前呼后拥，争相媲美。满墙满壁满街道的历史文化艺术；满天满地满氛围的庄严神圣和美。

我突然有些惊慌失措。面对如此丰厚的文化盛宴，竟乱了思维，忘了礼规。我自以为是做好了准备才来的 – 心里有底。蕴积了多年的胃口，就是要来美美地饱餐一顿。没想到这一切却来得如此猛烈、如此浓艳！犹如进了阿里巴巴的藏金洞 – 无从下手。

下榻在中世纪的学生兼修道士的简陋而整洁的宿舍 - 已经带了几分怀古幽思。窗外，上百年的老树倾撒着绿荫；窗下，久经踩踏的石板路伸向幽深的院落和街巷。另外一侧的窗户一推开，闯入眼帘的是教堂顶上灰绿色的尖塔。钟声正巧响了，报着钟点。塔下的教堂连同对面的宿舍楼，一式的石建筑，沐浴在灿烂的阳光下，反射出一片温暖的金黄色。

楼门对着一个四方形的院子，中央是绿草坪，方方正正，简简单单，没有任何装饰和附加物，干净空旷得出人意料。只有在草坪四周和建筑物之间的人行道上摆着一、两条长木椅。院子的一边是学院的教堂，另一边是大餐厅，还有两边是三至四层的宿舍楼。宿舍楼墙壁上攀登着浓密的藤蔓，偎依在一个个窗口四周。

我住的楼门洞窄小无奇，挤在四合院的一个角上。贴着墙根的地方，有一丛花树，开着淡淡的紫花，枝叶不经意地伸到门前。楼门紧挨着教堂的入口，仅一步之遥。教堂门虚掩着，我犹豫地推开门进去，前厅无人。通往大厅的精美的铁栅门也半开着，似不拒绝来人。我不再犹豫。一步跨了进去。

顿时，眼前一片光芒四射，美轮美奂。我屏住了呼吸、停住了脚步。瀑布般自天而降的彩色玻璃挂满墙面，热烈而神秘的光彩闪烁于空中；拔地而起的墙柱和壁饰直线向上、向上，接上拱顶的脊架，继续向上，直达穹顶。窗框、门柱、拱梁、墙壁，都不再是桎梏；铅条、木板、石块，也不再是藩篱。物质皈依了精神。这是另一个世界，和门外截然不同的世界。进入这里，俗念消失，心灵净化；进入这里，肉体消融，精神升华。这就是天堂，是至善至美的精神和艺术的境域。我迷醉了。

教堂无人，我独自在这美妙绝伦的艺术天国里尽享。

彩色玻璃上的画像在热情激昂地叙说着感人动听的圣经故事 - 从创世记到基督受难；壁画里的圣徒和悬挂在墙上的骑士徽旗庄严骄傲地回忆着圣教的历史 - 坚贞、忠诚、荣誉、牺牲；门楣柱头上精雕细刻的装饰图案自豪地展示着教徒们的虔诚和艺术家的真挚 ...

我不由自主地手捂心口，由衷赞叹：上帝，我感受到了你的存在和伟大；艺术，你让我体验到了精神的崇高和壮美。在这个天国里，不管你是不是教徒，只要置身其中，你就一定会变成信徒 -- 上帝的、或者，艺术的信徒。

圣坛旁边的墙上有一幅引人注目的大挂毯。挂毯内容丰富、色彩华贵，看上去很眼熟。毯面上织的是“三王朝圣”的情景。故事说的是耶稣基督诞生的那一夜，东方有三位先知在神的指引下找到并拜访了出生在马厩里的圣婴，预示这个婴儿将要成为人类的救世主。画面里有好几个人物：身着白色衣袍、双手捧着烛光的天使站在中间稍后的位置，细长的脚尖轻轻地点着地面，背后的翅膀忽隐忽现，轻盈飘逸得好像随时都会飞向天空；他微微偏着头，平静安详地注视着圣婴；穿红色长袍的两位先知和另一位佩戴盔甲的先知，每人手捧一件礼物，带着淡淡的忧伤，低头向圣母手中的婴儿默默致意；年青美丽的圣母玛丽亚，头戴蓝色头巾，身穿蓝色长袍，坐在草棚里的草垫上，两手紧紧地搂抱着婴儿；她目光凝视、却视而不见，似乎在用心静听上帝的旨意及赋予她的使命；幼小可爱的耶稣，有预感似地偏着脑袋，看着三位先知；在圣母子的背后，站立着穿戴绛红色衣袍、略微弓着腰、忠诚老实的樵夫约瑟夫。背景里草木繁多，鲜花盛开，围绕在人物的前前后后，像是在欢呼庆祝这上帝之子诞生的伟大时刻。画面有情有景，人物醒目，图案设计清晰巧妙，色彩搭配考究雅致，装饰性很强，令人留连忘返，百看不厌。

挂毯是中世纪盛行的教堂及宫廷装饰。可是，这幅挂毯是中世纪的作品吗？除了那幅著名的记载着诺曼威廉大帝征服英伦的绣毯和纽约大都会那组“独角兽Unicorn”织毯，我对其它挂毯并不熟悉，怎么会看着眼熟呢？

同样是夸张修长的身体，同样使用大块的红、蓝色，中世纪人物简单生硬，甚至笨拙呆板，注重精神表达，忽略人物的实体感和自然美；而这幅挂毯画给人的感觉却是优美高雅，线条自然流畅，光暗合理，有立体感又有透视空间，夸张里带有明确而成熟的风格追求。特别是它的背景和衣物设计，那充满了艺术匠心和美学品味的花花草草及服饰图案、漂亮的色彩，似乎超出了中世纪的审美范畴。还有那淡雅的忧愁。是谁的呢?

The Prodigal Son

Tian Shan is my childhood friend. His name copies the name of the famous mountains in Xinjiang Autonomous Region, in the northwest of China. It means heavenly mountains. His father’s name is Qi Lian Shan, also that of a well-known mountain, one in Gansu province. So Qi Lian Shan gave all three of his children mountain names. The older sister is called Lin Shan, meaning forest mountain; and the younger brother is Xiao Shan, small mountain.

Tian Shan’s father was Editor-in-Chief of a local newspaper where both of my parents worked as an artist and a reporter. Tian Shan’s mother was a correspondent for the same newspaper. When my parents had been assigned to work for the newspaper, it was Tian Shan’s father who went to pick them up in the capital city. It took them ten days in a canvas-covered truck to go across the Tian Shan Mountains and Taklamakan Desert and got to the little town called Hetian (Khotan), a historically famous site on the Silk Road. We all lived in the newspaper agency’s compound. Our apartment houses were face to face, only 10-15 meters apart across a small yard with grape arbor and trellis. Whenever Tian Shan’s mother was out on assignment, the three children would be in my mother’s charge. And whenever my mother was on a business trip, my brother and I would be their mother's responsibility. We were just like a big family. Tian Shan’s sister is the oldest among us children. Tian Shan and my brother are the same age, two years younger; and his younger brother and I are the same age. We children played together, went to school together, and did homework together either at our house or theirs. We grew up together.

Tian Shan was very energetic and naughty. He often led us to pick up tomatoes and cucumbers in the field, or apricots, peaches, apples, etc. from the trees in the garden that belonged to the agency. He did not like me to follow them though, because I was a girl, too cowardly. Each time we were caught, my parents would urge my brother and I write an apology, but his mom or dad would spank them hard. And he never minded. He liked swimming. But there was no swimming pool except a reservoir far away which took two hours bicycling to reach. So, one day, Tian Shan swam in the small pond where all the residents of the newspaper got their daily drinking water. The maintenance person saw him but could not catch him, only angrily waved his fists and yelled: “I’ll tell your father!” Once, when his mother was on a business trip, he escaped from the noon nap and swam in a small narrow irrigation ditch in the grape arbor. Naked and splashing water with loud noise, neighbors complained. My mother, with a flyswatter in hand, warned him out, but only found it hopeless to get him out.

Tian Shan was good looking with big bright eyes and high straight nose like his mother. He also had a good voice and liked acting. Very often, after our homework or during the homework, he would act for us, either pretended to be somebody or making up his own characters. His favorite act was to recite some heroic poems, or to sing solos. Once he recited some poems from The Red Rocks (a novel about the Chinese Communist heroes in the prisons fighting against Guomindang – the National Party) so solemnly and touchingly that we were all moved. The poems read:

The door for man is shut tight
That for dog is open wide
Loudly shouts a voice:
Crawl out, freedom is thine!
I’m thirsty for freedom
Yet I know down deep
How can a man of honor
Crawl out like a dog
……

……
Today, we are put in jail
So what’s a big deal
To prevent suffering for our children
I will
I will sit in the cell through it all
……

Once I also heard him singing almost professionally with a recently turned man's thick voice a song called The Yili River. But this time, he was singing in his house, and I was hearing him through the windows of my house. Our two families had stopped visiting and even talking to each other for sometime. It was during the Great Cultural Revolution. Our parents had different opinions about the Revolution, and stood on different sides. The two sides soon became enemies. My parents' side took the position of supporting the old leaders. His parents' side agreed to overthrow "the leaders who follow the capitalist road". Both sides claimed that they fought for Chairman Mao. We children did not understand a thing. I was ten years old, and Tian Shan twelve, when all this started (1966). Ironically, Tian Shan's father himself was overthrown by the Red Guards for “following the capitalist road”. At one public meeting, they beat him so hard they broke one of his legs. By this time, schools and factories were paralyzed. Students went to school only to do revolutionary activities. Middle school and high school students joined Red Guard, and elementary school kids joined Little Red Guard. We studied Chairman Mao's theories and criticized our teachers' “Revisionist Attitude”. Because of his father's political problem, Tian Shan was not accepted to Little Red Guard. He was classified as the child of the "Five Black Types" (landlord, capitalist, counter-revolutionary, counter-party person, leaders who lead on capitalist road.) Those children of the "Five Black types" naturally gathered in groups.

Tian Shan became the leader of a gang, the most rebellious of all against everybody, everything. He and his gang members disturbed classes by breaking desks and chairs. They beat everyone in their way. Teachers were their main targets. They broke one teacher's leg, another teacher's arm. Almost once a week, he and his "brothers" would make a sensational event. Once they were making trouble in the class next door to mine. All my class went out to watch. One of my classmates who used to be a gang brother of theirs was found in the crowd. One of the "brothers", without saying a word, punched this classmate of mine and hit his nose so hard it was bleeding. Nobody dared to say a word. When I got there, the teacher in that class was trying to reason with them. Tian Shan went up to the front and fiercely slapped on the teacher's face. Immediately I saw five clear fingerprints on her face. I was so angry. Without fearing anything I yelled his name to stop him: "Tian Shan!" Everybody was shocked. The teacher tried to protect me despite her swelling face, the fellow students were afraid I would be beaten next. I looked straight into Tian Shan’s eyes, shaking with anger. Inside, I was hurting. I could not believe that it was he, my dear friend, who had become this bad. I always had a beautiful memory of his pure and sacred expression when he recited those heroic poems only three years earlier. This slap thoroughly destroyed my admiration and friendship for him. To everybody’s surprise, Tian Shan, avoiding my eyes, waved his gang to leave. Many years later, he confessed to me that he was afraid of my innocent eyes. He said he had actually managed to avoid my presence all the time. That day he did not realize I was so nearby.

When the real fights between the two opposite sides began, military weapons were used. Each side occupied a territory and built up fortresses. Everyday one could hear gunshots, and every night one could see signal flares. School closed. Stores closed. Work stopped. Daily routines no longer existed. One night, several people came to my house and talked with my parents in very low voices. I could not hear them, only saw that my mother looked worried. My father went out with the men and came back very late. He shook his head, and my mother sighed and worried even more. Early next morning, both mother and father went out. Around noon, they came back. Mother told me in a low and heavy voice that Tian Shan's mother had gone to her side's territory looking for her daughter who had been there with her Red Guard fighters. People of this side saw her getting into and leaving the fortress, but now she could not be found anywhere. People in the newspaper agency looked for her everywhere. The next day, the bad news came: she was dead. I saw Tian Shan's father, who had been in jail for his “political problems” and was just temporarily released to claim his wife’s body, with his crippled leg, pushing a flat board cart out to somewhere, and not long after coming back with the body covered with a white sheet. People helped to put the body in an office room. That afternoon when I passed by the office, through the open window, I saw Tian Shan, with tears and with one tight fist waving, swear loudly to his mother that he would seek revenge for her. That night, my mother cried for a long time. She asked me to go to see Tian Shan's mother for her when I had a chance, because she could not go. If she did, she would be criticized by her side as a traitor. In fact she was already criticized for shedding “worthless dog’s urine” (tears) for the opposition. So, the next day, when there was only one woman in the office, who was also our neighbor, I went in. The body was laid on two put-together desks. The woman uncovered and turned the body for me. It was naked. The hair looked dull and messy. The face had become so shrunken. One cheek was fallen in due to the broken bone. On the hips were a big piece of flipped skin and some large bruises. I was told that she had been raped many times by a group of guys who afterwards filled her vagina with stone pebbles. She was tortured to death. I suddenly felt sick and could not stand anymore, so I quickly ran away. I was too young to face such brutal reality. She was still a young and happy aunt to me. Tian Shan's mother and my mother were the only two career women in the newspaper agency. They got along with each other so well that we children always felt we were the same family. I asked my parents many times why such a thing could have happened. But nobody during that time could give me an answer. Months later I saw forty bodies who had been buried alive.

After his mother's death, Tian Shan’s father was sent back to prison. Tian Shan almost disappeared. Nobody knew where he was or how he lived. Occasionally we heard from here and there that he and his gang had robbed a store, or stolen from somebody's house, or had had a big fight with another gang, etc. Whenever he needed money, he came home to ask his sister and brother. His sister and brother tried to persuade him to stay home and refused to give him money. They did not have much, sixteen yuan (two US dollars) for each for a month from the agency. Often he beat them to get the things he wanted. When that happened, the sister and brother would helplessly hold their mother's photo and cry. Once my mother could not bear the situation anymore and went up to talk to him. He yelled at my mother: "It’s none of your business. Get out!" I noticed that whenever the sister and brother held their mother's picture and cried, Tian Shan would turn away his head and leave quickly. When he got to sixteen, he and several other gang members were sent to juvenile labor camp far away. We did not see or hear him after that.

Ten years later, when I was already studying in the university in the capital city of the Region, one weekend day I was walking down the street to visit my mother who happened to be in the city working on an art project. Suddenly, someone called my name. In no time, a guy in a black leather jacket riding on a bicycle halted in front of me. I faced a handsome young man. “Tian Shan!” I cried with surprise and joy. I wondered how, after ten years and in such crowded commercial street and on a racing bike, he could recognize me, and I could recognize him right away too. We both were so excited that neither could find a word at first. Then suddenly both burst out at the same time greeting each other. We acted like children, talking loudly and happily, like old friends back in the old days feeling so close to each other as if nothing had happened. He held my hands in his so tightly and for so long as if he would lose me forever if he loosed them. Suddenly, we stopped talking. We looked at each other and smiled at each other. What big changes we both had had! He looked handsome and mature, and still energetic.

“Let’s go somewhere. I have a lot to tell you”. “What? Your mom, my aunt is here in the city? Let’s go to her place then”. So we went to my mother’s temporary apartment. Before we went in, he said to me “Wait inside, I’ll be right back”, and disappeared. My mother was not home yet. So I waited. When he came back, he took out a bag full of lollipops and fruits. “Why lollipops? We are not kids any more.” I wondered. “You forgot!” he cried. “We liked them. We used to lick them when we played. And I often grabbed yours”. He unwrapped one for me and almost ordered: “Take one! It's sweet.” We talked and laughed, laughed and talked, recalling the silly and naughty things we had done together. I was amazed that he could remember so many little details, more than I could. When I mentioned it to him, he became quiet and serious: “You can’t understand. Those are the only beautiful things in my memory. Our childhood together is the best time in my life. I can never forget these things”. Then, he told me how often those playful and happy moments had appeared in his dreams when he worked in a coal mine at labor camp, and how he longed to have the normal life he had used to have. He told me how much he had missed our two families together, and how much he regretted the bad things and damage he had done. Not until now did I begin to ask about his life in those dark days, at the camp, and what he had become now. He told me that at first he had not felt treated fairly by the entire society, so he kept destroying things, making trouble with fierce energy. Until one day when he had a big fight with a local gang at the coal mine, and he beat two guys so severely that one mother came to kneel in front of him, begging him to stop. For the injuries he caused to the two fellows, he received severe punishment from the camp. He was sent to the lowest level in the mine to do the hardest work, and his salary was lowered two degrees. He was also separated in an isolation cell during the night. By chance, he was given some books to read in the cell, and one of them was a novel titled Mother written by a Russian author Maxim Gorky. “Mother has changed my life”, he said to me. He had read the book many times, thinking of his own mother, and the mother of the boy he had injured. He did not imagine Mother could be this powerful. He did change. A year later, he was dismissed from the camp. Now he was working in an electrical plant. He was once even awarded “Model Worker” of the plant.

“In those days I was not afraid of anything but one. Can you guess what it was?” he asked me with cunning smile. “No, I can’t” I answered honestly. “Your big beautiful but angry eyes!” He continued: “they were so innocent and sharp that I felt they could see through me. I dared not to face them. But later, I really missed them.”

“You owe me something, and I will never forgive you for it” he suddenly said to me. I was surprised. “What is it?” “My mother had treated you like a daughter, but you didn't even go to see her when she died.” “But I did. I went to say goodbye to her especially for my family.” So I explained to him how I went to see his mother on that day. He jumped in front of me, hands on my shoulders, shook me vehemently. “Is it true? Say it again! You did? Why didn’t you tell me before?” He almost shook me into his arms. I saw tears in his eyes. “I am sorry. I didn’t know you had done that. It was the only thing I couldn’t understand about you. I could not forgive you for that. Do you know, I've loved you all these years, since we were little?!” Realizing what he had just said and that he was still holding me so closely, he dropped his hands and stepped back and sat, shaking. I was shocked.

When my mother came back, she was so happy to see how much Tian Shan had changed. To her, he was like a prodigal son coming home. We talked and laughed again just like in old days. After that day, he joined my mother and me every weekend like a family. And when my mother left for home, he visited me at school every weekend.

I did not know how to tell him that I had found my love already. He had been hurt so deeply and so much. I could not hurt him again. A childhood scene constantly appeared in my memory. Once my mother took me to a wedding, on the way I asked mother what marriage meant, she said that if a man and a woman loved each other so much and would like to live together forever they got married. Then I asked: “Can I marry Tian Shan someday?” Mother laughed. Now I felt I had abandoned him, and indeed I had given up on him. One day he said to me: "You do not tell me everything. Is it that you have a boy friend already?" I nodded. "Is he good? Does he really love you?" I nodded again. He did not say a word for a long time. My heart was crying, and I knew his heart was bleeding. I wanted to shout to him that it was he who had destroyed our friendship and childhood love, although I knew it was not his fault. As if he read my mind, he said: "It's my fault. It's too late now. I cannot bring our childhood back. But don't worry. I won't bother you. I will always be your brother." I cried. He hugged me gently like a big brother. I realized he had become really mature and tough. His image of acting on the hero in The Red Rocks appeared in my mind again.

After I graduated from the university, I went to graduate school in Beijing. And after that I came to the States for further studies. Another ten years passed. Last time I visited my parents, I also visited Tian Shan's father and brother. They told me that Tian Shan had married and migrated to Australia. They showed me his family's photos. His wife looked pretty. They had had two beautiful daughters too. I called him from the States. We talked for a short while. He kept saying that he regretted that he had wasted his golden time without studying anything. He wished for me that I realize my highest goal and have a happy life. I also wished him a happy life.

2001
Note: My dear friend Foster helped edit the writing. I give her my thanks.